The History of The Ding Dong Lounge
1660: First cuckoo clock invented by Shlongrich von Ding Dong, Copenhagen, Denmark.
1790: Steve Naidich’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother invents the thong. Burned at stake. Odessa, Russia.
Nov. 1999: Last decent punk rock bar on Lower East Side goes totally yuppie.
Sept. 2000: Homicidal Morningside Heights slumlord informs KKK-baiting downtown comedian Steve Naidich that former video store (read “crack house”) is available immediately for “business opportunity”. Naidich immediately phones retired clothing magnate & notorious whoremonger Bill Nolan. Nolan, upon hearing Naidich’s proposition, tells Naidich to go fuck himself.
Oct. 2000: Local police precinct informs Naidich & Nolan that neighborhood is utterly resistant to gentrification. Delighted, they sign lease.
Dec. 2000: Renovation of space at 929 Columbus Ave begins with “Inches” magazine centerfold Toby in charge of construction. Ancient pornography discovered in airshaft under miles of used crack vials. Naidich unloads porn on E-Bay, financing mahogany bar.
Feb. 16, 2001: Ding Dong Lounge opens to public. Stunned neighborhood locals, expecting to hear salsa, are introduced to The Dead Boys. Eldery man collapses, requring medical attention. Rice and beans will never taste the same.
Mar. 2001: Former lead singer of “Kansas” becomes regular in bar. Naidich and Nolan call Page Six, to no avail.
Apr. 2001: Mermaid Parade celebrity “Chet” hired for Happy Hours. Sales go through roof. Naidich and Nolan notice slight decline in personal sexual conquests.
May 2001: Ding Dong Lounge receives hefty summons from local police for replacing beer taps with guitar handles.
June 2001: Bob Dylan walks past bar.
July 2001: Ding Dong Lounge kicked out of Upper West Side Bar League for replacing darts with dirty needles.
Sep. 11, 2001: Islamic fundamentalists attempt attack on Ding Dong Lounge – hit World Trade Center instead.
Oct 2001: Worlds greatest band, Australia’s Cosmic Psychos, play Ding Dong as only stop on North American tour.
Nov. 2001: Unfazed by dead economy, Naidich and Nolan expand bar into next-door crack-selling bodega whose lease had expired. Local prostitute, Dee, squirts milk from nipple at customer.
Dec. 2001: Chet continues to play Tom Verlaine records. Drunk unemployed dot-commers and local riff-raff try to pick up hot Columbia University co-eds.
June 2002: The Raunch Hands play their only US show at the bar. Years of hard earned sobriety lost.
July. 2002: Talia Tied becomes bar regular resulting in an unprecedented nightly rush of local bodega owners.
New Years Eve 2002/2003: Boston punk rock legends Lyres, DMZ and The Real Kids play gig together for the first time in 25 years.
February 2003: Local police precinct commander informs community meeting that biggest crime problem in neighborhood is now Chinese delivery guys getting mugged in the projects. Smart ass Naidich stands and rues for the “good old days”.
March 2003: Demolition Doll Rods play two year anniversary party.
May 2003: To protest the new NYC smoking ban in bars, Ding Dong regulars light a homeless man on fire.
June 2003: Ding Dong Lounge opens in Melbourne Australia (18 Market Lane, Rock’n’roll Level 1). Nolan and Naidich attend grand opening party and learn that Down Under, after a night of drinking, it’s the bed that spins in the opposite direction.
For those of you who got this far – sorry to say but I stole the above copy directly from Ding Dong’s website – DV